Anytime I’m awake, there is nearly always a little person in my mind doing a verbal play-by-play, talking about a problem I’ve been trying to solve, or just rambling on about something unimportant. I think of it as The Narrator of my life, even though it’s not entirely trustworthy and doesn’t like to stay on topic.
If you are reading this, you fall into one of two categories: you completely understand that previous paragraph or you think it sounds absurd.
If you have a Narrator, you might be surprised to find out there are people who don’t have one. Like, a lot of them. And the idea that someone might not have one leaves you wondering how Narrator-less people work anything out.
If you don’t have one, you may wonder how anyone can get anything done with a tiny voice inside their head that only sometimes wants to talk about what they’re working on?
While I don’t know what it’s like to live without a Narrator, having one can sometimes be very useful. I’ll be mowing the lawn, and The Narrator finally figures out the best way to solve a problem I’ve been having with a particular piece of code. But other times, when I really need to focus on something, all it wants to talk about is the time seven years ago when the grocery store cashier said, “thank you,” and I responded with “you too,” and I wanted to crawl into a hole and spend the rest of my life there.
For me, the worst time to have my inner monologue go rogue is when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t stop thinking about what classifies as a sandwich.
You’ve probably seen The Sandwich Alignment Chart. You may even have strong opinions about it. Many do. But thanks to The Narrator and our conversations at 3:58 AM, I’ve figured a few things out.
I’m a sandwich purist. Bread, protein, optional toppings, bread. Designed to be eaten with one or more hands in a landscape orientation and, if necessary, while on the move. That’s how it was, how it is, and how it always shall be.
The open-faced sandwich? Not a sandwich. Without the top piece of bread, any self-respecting, open-faced “sandwich” is nearly impossible to pick up to eat without making a mess of things. So, how should it be classified?
It depends on the size. If it is of small size, a “finger-food, open-faced sandwich,” if you will, it’s an hors d’oeuvre. Think cheese and pepperoni on a cracker. Clearly an hors d’oeuvre.
If it’s large, it’s a pie. Yes, a pie. You probably think I’ve gone around the twist on this one, but hear me out. Make a spectrum on a line, with one end being a peanut butter sandwich (clearly and inarguably a sandwich) and on the other end, a shepherd’s pie (clearly not a sandwich). Now, figure out where you would put an open-face roast beef sandwich on that line. If you’re being honest with yourself, it’s far more closely related to the shepherd’s pie.
The Taco? Not a sandwich. The taco fails the sandwich test on two measures. First, it’s designed to be eaten vertically. Get yourself a peanut butter sandwich and try to eat that thing rotated 90 degrees from how you made it. It’s damn near impossible without squishing the thing into oblivion. Secondly, there’s the bread problem. (If you even want to classify the taco shell as bread. I have strong opinions there, too, but those aren’t required to prove that a taco isn’t a sandwich.) The shell wraps around the bottom, so, by design, not a sandwich.
“Ah yes,” you say. “What about the hot dog?” The same arguments I’ve used to eliminate the taco as a sandwich are true for the hot dog: eaten vertically with bread wrapped around the bottom. The answer, however, is simple. The hot dog isn’t a sandwich.
It’s a taco.
“Now I’ve got you!” you think. “What about the Subway-style sub sandwich?” (Or, for that matter, the single-slice folded in half sandwich.) While it is true that this style is designed to be eaten vertically, it gets a special dispensation applied since, while intended to be eaten vertically, it still has a defined top and bottom that puts the bread above and below the good stuff when you set it down.
“So does a hot dog!” you say. But you’re not taking into account what I like to call the “Catastrophic Failure Rule,” which states that a sandwich must either be impervious to the protein and toppings falling out of the sandwich (or can still be reasonably eaten without undue measures) in the event of a catastrophic failure of the bread. (The Catastrophic Failure Rule is a natural extension of the sandwich’s ability to be eaten on the run.)
Any well-constructed, Subway-style sub sandwich can withstand the failure of the bread connecting the two sides. If the bottom falls out of your taco, you’ve got a problem, and this helps strengthen my case on the hot dog not being a sandwich. Who hasn’t had the bottom fall out of their hot dog and wound up with a mess on their hands? And their plate. And probably their lap, too. Ergo, the hot dog is not a sandwich.
The hot dog is a taco.
Also, what is it like not to think about the definition of a sandwich at 3:58 AM when all you really want to do is fall back into a peaceful slumber?
The usually quiet Prime Minister emerged from a green warp pipe that’s commonly seen in Mario games – as well as in the animated presentation that tied into his appearance, shown on the screens in the stadium.
So, a while back, I stumbled on someone doing a ‘Faces Everywhere‘ project. (I’ve since also seen it titled as ‘Faces in Places‘ as well.) It’s based on the phenomenon of pareidolia which, due to the way that our brains work, causes us to see a rabbit in the clouds, a man in the moon, and strange messages in Beatles songs when we play them backwards.
Anyway, Faces Everywhere are pictures taken of common objects that seem to have facial features, because we’re all really good at making things that are not faces into faces. I hadn’t heard of the idea before, and started looking around to see if I could find a few, and here’s what I come up with. Enjoy. (Clicking on the image will bring up a nice little image carousel, designed for your viewing pleasure.)
Face in the lace left from some beer foam inside a pint glass. He looks relaxed.
That is one happy roll of toilet paper. He obviously has no idea what his purpose in life is.
Shocked? Angry? A little bit of both?
One of two faces I discovered one day on my dashboard…
…that oddly enough share a pair of eyes.
Hey! I’m a pickle! Yeah!
That’s a lot of face without a nose. At least he has ears to make up for it. Also, note the subtle tongue hanging out of the mouth.
So, after finding out about Faces Everywhere, Shannon got into the act, too, spotting this ‘Dead Duck Bolt.’
And then Julie hopped on board with an ‘Ooo! Candy!’ face.
Just in time for the zombie apocalypse, learn how to open a can of food using just some concrete and your hands. Just be careful you don’t cut yourself.
I wanted to take this opportunity to apologize for almost stepping on you last week as I was taking my run through the park. It was not my intention to startle you in such a way; I was simply going for a jog, and did not mean to disturb your afternoon nap.
Likewise, I’m sorry that, after you sprang up to run away, I screamed at you and made those ‘Kung Fu’ motions with my arms and legs. While I am sure that you were further alarmed by me doing this, it was simply a result of you startling me as well.
I realize that while I often run through the woods there, it is your home, and there is no excuse for frightening you the way that I did. I would consider it a great inconvenience if you were to barge into my living room, so I can imagine how such an intrusion must have made you feel.
Again, I’m sorry for showing up so abruptly. It’s probably of little consequence, but you may take some comfort in the fact that the encounter almost made me crap myself, too.
Hoping to see you again soon, although from a slightly greater distance,
If you’re anything like me, you have been watching the Olympics pretty much nonstop since it started. So far, my favorite part has been watching Oscar Pistorius competing. So inspiring.
One thing that’s always bothered me is the running ‘Medal Count’ that you can find basically everywhere. NBC closes it’s coverage every night with it. Google gives you updated tables if you search for it, embedded right in the top of your results. Sure, China has 34 gold medals right now, and the United States has 30, but which is more impressive? After all, China has more than four times the population of the US. And Cyprus doesn’t have any gold medals, only a silver, but with a population at just over 838,897 people, or about 1/1606th of China’s population, is that significant?
To me, the medal count is somewhat against the ‘Olympic Spirit’ anyway, but even more so because the playing field isn’t really level for all the countries. So I took a few minutes to try to even it out a bit, just for kicks. Simply enough, I took the total number of medals for each country, and divided it by population of the country in millions, giving a ‘Medals per Million’ comparison for all the countries.
One thing to note is that a bronze medal is considered just as valuable as a gold medal. The justification for this is that we can make a relatively safe assumption that we are watching the absolute best athletes in each of their sports, and in a world of over seven billion people, the three best athletes in any individual sport would be the top 0.0000000429%. There just isn’t that much difference in the top three to justify an preference given to any medal color.
So, here it is: Who’s winning the Olympics? (Updated August 7th, 2012)
Rank
Country
Gold
Silver
Bronze
Total
Population
Medals/Million
1
Grenada
1
0
0
1
105,000
9.5238
2
New Zealand
3
1
5
9
4,434,310
2.0296
3
Slovenia
1
1
2
4
2,057,870
1.9438
4
Estonia
0
1
1
2
1,294,236
1.5453
5
Jamaica
2
1
1
4
2,705,827
1.4783
6
Denmark
2
4
2
8
5,584,758
1.4325
7
Cyprus
0
1
0
1
838,897
1.1920
8
Qatar
0
0
2
2
1,699,435
1.1769
9
Australia
4
12
9
25
22,689,714
1.1018
10
Armenia
0
1
2
3
3,268,500
0.9179
11
Hungary
4
2
3
9
9,962,000
0.9034
12
Belarus
3
2
3
8
9,458,500
0.8458
13
Netherlands
5
3
6
14
16,736,075
0.8365
14
Great Britain
22
13
13
48
62,262,000
0.7709
15
Trinidad and Tobago
0
0
1
1
1,317,714
0.7589
16
Sweden
1
3
3
7
9,495,113
0.7372
17
Slovakia
0
1
3
4
5,445,324
0.7346
18
Mongolia
0
1
1
2
2,844,000
0.7032
19
Croatia
2
1
0
3
4,290,612
0.6992
20
Georgia
1
1
1
3
4,497,600
0.6670
21
Lithuania
1
0
1
2
3,187,700
0.6274
22
Cuba
3
3
1
7
11,247,925
0.6223
23
Moldova
0
0
2
2
3,559,500
0.5619
24
Czech Republic
1
3
1
5
10,504,203
0.4760
25
Korea
12
5
6
23
48,580,000
0.4734
26
Romania
2
5
2
9
19,042,936
0.4726
27
France
8
9
11
28
65,350,000
0.4285
28
Kazakhstan
6
0
1
7
16,734,000
0.4183
29
Norway
0
1
1
2
5,027,200
0.3978
30
Singapore
0
0
2
2
5,183,700
0.3858
31
Russia
10
18
20
48
143,117,000
0.3354
32
Germany
6
14
7
27
81,859,000
0.3298
33
Azerbaijan
0
1
2
3
9,235,100
0.3248
34
Canada
1
3
7
11
34,877,500
0.3154
35
Serbia
0
1
1
2
7,120,666
0.2809
36
Italy
7
6
4
17
60,813,326
0.2795
37
Belgium
0
1
2
3
10,951,266
0.2739
38
Puerto Rico
0
0
1
1
3,725,789
0.2684
39
Switzerland
1
1
0
2
7,952,600
0.2515
40
Japan
2
13
14
29
127,530,000
0.2274
41
United States
30
19
21
70
314,041,000
0.2229
42
Dominican Republic
1
1
0
2
9,445,281
0.2117
43
Poland
2
1
5
8
38,501,000
0.2078
44
DPR Korea
4
0
1
5
24,544,000
0.2037
45
Ukraine
3
0
6
9
45,589,171
0.1974
46
Tunisia
0
1
1
2
10,673,800
0.1874
47
Greece
0
0
2
2
10,787,690
0.1854
48
Finland
0
1
0
1
5,413,830
0.1847
49
Hong Kong, China
0
0
1
1
7,103,700
0.1408
50
Spain
1
4
1
6
46,185,697
0.1299
51
Kenya
1
2
2
5
42,749,000
0.1170
52
Iran
4
3
1
8
75,149,669
0.1065
53
Colombia
0
3
1
4
46,634,000
0.0858
54
South Africa
3
1
0
4
50,586,757
0.0791
55
Guatemala
0
1
0
1
14,713,763
0.0680
56
China
34
21
18
73
1,347,350,000
0.0542
57
Ethiopia
2
0
2
4
84,320,987
0.0474
58
Mexico
0
3
2
5
112,336,538
0.0445
59
Chinese Taipei
0
1
0
1
23,261,747
0.0430
60
Brazil
2
1
5
8
192,376,496
0.0416
61
Venezuela
1
0
0
1
27,150,095
0.0368
62
Saudi Arabia
0
0
1
1
27,855,153
0.0359
63
Malaysia
0
1
0
1
28,334,135
0.0353
64
Uzbekistan
0
0
1
1
29,123,400
0.0343
65
Morocco
0
0
1
1
32,633,100
0.0306
66
Algeria
1
0
0
1
37,100,000
0.0270
67
Argentina
0
0
1
1
40,117,096
0.0249
68
Egypt
0
2
0
2
82,458,000
0.0243
69
Thailand
0
1
0
1
65,479,453
0.0153
70
Turkey
0
0
1
1
74,724,269
0.0134
71
Indonesia
0
1
1
2
237,641,326
0.0084
72
India
0
1
2
3
1,210,193,422
0.0025
So, there you go. Grenada’s one gold medal by Kirani James, in relation to the population of each countries population, if far more significant than even the next closest country, New Zealand’s, 9 total medals. Way to go, Kirani!
Anyway, I thought it was interesting, and perhaps you will, too. Enjoy.
Julie made me promise that I wouldn’t let myself become the “weird neighbor” at our new house in Caldwell.
You see, shortly after Julie and I started dating, I was living in Bethesda. I told her that I always felt like the weird neighbor. I just didn’t seem to fit in. All the other houses on the street were filled with families, and my house was filled with me and my two dogs. They all seemed to have normal working hours, and for me 6:00 AM could be quitting time and starting time on two consecutive days. And that’s not even mentioning the time that I was stalking around my house at night, shirtless, with a 12 inch dagger.
I was sitting at my desk and kept seeing lights outside my window. The closest house on that side was a pretty big lot away, just before a dead end and a small forest. The strange part was that it only seemed to happen when I was looking the other way. After ten minutes or so of this, and figuring that it was just a brat kid from somewhere in the neighborhood, I decided to poke my head outside and tell them to knock it off.
I was shirtless because it was a hot evening, and the house didn’t have air conditioning. The dagger, which I use as a letter opener, was of course for protection, just in case it wasn’t a local punk. The threating lights were, of course, lightning bugs.
Yep, I was the weird neighbor. I’d like to say that this was the only thing I did to alienate myself from my neighbors. I can’t, but I’d like to. So, when we bought the house in Caldwell, I gave my word that I would try to act normal, and I was doing pretty good, until a couple weeks ago.
Mom and I had been planting a few flowers in front of the house, and had turned up a bit of dirt and a lot of earthworms. I naturally placed the worms gently back into the flower beds and instructed them to get back to work fertilizing and aerating. I mean, I’m happy that they are there and everything, and they are more than welcome to stay as long as they like, provided they pull their weight.
I took a quick trip to the hardware store to get some mulch, and when I got back to the house there were four or five robins hopping all around the flower beds, treating my worms like a $5.99 All-You-Can-Eat Las Vegas buffet. Naturally, I jumped out of the truck and started trying to get rid of them, waving my arms and shouting, “Get off my worms! Get off my worms!”
I think I’m just going to start introducing myself as “Brock, the Weird Neighbor,” just to make sure there isn’t any confusion.
Yep, you heard me correct: My tweets are going to be in the Library of Congress. Actually, your tweets will be in there too, as well as every other public tweet sent since the beginning of Twitter-Time.
The Library of Congress and Twitter have made an agreement that they will all be put into the library’s repository of historical documents.
“Why,” you might ask? According to the original story on the Federal News Radio website:
“There have been studies involved with what are the moods of the public at various times of the day in reaction to certain kinds of news events,” [Bill] Lefurgy [digital initiatives program manager at the library’s national digital information infrastructure and preservation program] said. “There’s all these interesting kinds of mixing and matching that can be done using the tweets as a big set of data.”
Remember that time you tweeted about how much you hate your job? How about the time that you drunk-tweeted from the bar’s restroom? And who could forget the time you just tweeted “FML” every day for a week?
Yep, there all going to be in there. Now the Library of Congress will finally be complete.
